I lost myself. Here’s how I found my way back…

This is something that happened to me recently that I needed to acknowledge. I wanted to share it with you, but just wasn’t sure how.

I swear I’ve written this blog post a million times in my head, and it came out perfect, but when I sat down to write it, I went blank. 

So, I’m just going to start…

Have you ever gotten so far away from yourself? Like, so far away that you felt empty inside, but you didn’t understand why?

This all started a year ago when I moved into the last place I lived. The place I lived in before that, I rented for 4 years, and that’s the longest I’ve stayed anywhere. I just absolutely loved that condo. It truly was my home. I’m not sure if you remember, but my landlord foreclosed on it, so I had to find a place to move fast.

The tree outside my bedroom window at my previous condo. It had a nest where baby squirrels and mourning doves were born & raised!

I found a place in a cute area of Winter Park, FL that seemed great. I could walk to Rollins College or Park Avenue, and the place seemed nice. My only issue was that there was carpet, which is not ideal for yoga practice, or allergies, but I thought the pros outweighed the cons. Thought was the keyword there.

After I moved in, all of the problems started to creep out. I can’t say that they were hidden from me at the beginning. I realize if I was more observant about my surroundings, I would have noticed things like the carpet coming up in the corners, or that the handle for the blinds was discreetly being held on with tape, or that I didn’t have a lot storage and closet space, or there were tons of cracks in the walls and windows to let bugs in.

One of the hardest things that happened to me during this time was that my yoga practice suffered.

 

I couldn’t practice at home because every time I was inverted or in down dog, I’d see a dead ant in the carpet. Plus, the energy was just awful, and I didn’t enjoy spending time there.

I jumped between studios, but mostly practiced outside at Dinky Dock.

Practice wasn’t the same. I wasn’t making it to the mat daily, and it was a gift if I could make it through my whole practice. I was just happy to make it to the mat when I did.

I truly believe in the traditions of the Ashtanga Yoga practice.

Some people call them rules, but they’re traditions.

Here’s the difference:

Rules are when you practice out of blind faith or because you feel obligated. Tradition is when you practice out of true love and devotion. I’ve experienced the life changing effects of practicing in this tradition, and to be in a place where I wasn’t living that to the fullest was devastating and embarrassing.

I couldn’t even write about yoga. I was lost. I had no idea how to talk to my readers or what to write about.

I realize now that all I had to do was share my story.

I knew that my heavy resistance to sharing meant I had something deeper going on. Something I needed to confront.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I felt that by sharing my bumpy yoga journey over the last year, I’d somehow lose your respect.

Then it dawned on me that this was a projection of how I was feeling inside! 

It was my internal judgements that created this resistance and self-sabotage. I realized that in order to get over my fears, I had to be truly honest and transparent.

So, here I am – human like everyone else.

I shouldn’t be scared to share the heavy stuff going on in my life. These are the gifts that shape who I am, and help me become a better person.

Besides, THIS is yoga.

Yoga is understanding that we live in an interdependent world – not independent. We are all connected. We all experience suffering. We all experience happiness. If we can work together to accept everyone as a piece in this vast universe, then our love and compassion will be there as a support to help others.

My Multi-Passionate Crisis:

When I left my job last year, I was working hard to build my business. I was trying a lot of experimental strategies, but felt really scattered and confused. I was reading a lot, studying really successful people, and signing up for webinars, but there was something missing.

I needed a coach or someone who had been uber successful to give me step by step instructions. I had no idea how to manage all of my ideas let alone manage my time!

So, I signed up for B School. Have you heard of it? It’s Marie Forleo’s intensive online course about how to grow your online business. It continues to be a truly rewarding and amazing experience.

During B School, I found out that I’m a multi-passionate person.

I am passionate about practicing all aspects of yoga, and teaching people how to fit yoga in their lives. I’m passionate about health and wellness, and ancient yoga techniques. I love how I can make my body move in dynamic ways by practicing consistantly, and find strength and flexibility that I didn’t know existed. I’m passionate about teaching others that the impossible is truly possible through yoga.

I’m also passionate about blogging and technology. I love teaching people all of the strategies and techniques on how to grow their business through blogging – especially people who consider themselves technically challenged.

One thing that is connected between the two is that I love to empower people. In yoga, when someone does a posture, or tells me how yoga practice has changed their life in some way – that excites me. That’s what continues to drive me to keep practicing and teaching.

In technology, I love coaching people on strategies and techniques to build and grow their blogs. Just like yoga, so many people think they can’t do it. Or, the thought of technology scares them. There is no better feeling than when I see someone’s eyes light up about the fact that they can run and design their own website with the simple tools I introduce them to.

These things bring me joy. When others light up, so do I.

So, during B School, there was a “Start the Right Business” workshop for multi-passionate people, and I had to pick a path. I wanted to go through B School as each module and training was released. So, I chose the techie route. It felt weird going on hiatus from The Yogi Movement, but I guess I needed to explore this path for a bit.

It’s been a wild ride, and I’ve learned so much. I look back on where I was a year ago, and where I am now, and I can’t deny that I’ve made amazing strides in my business. It hasn’t been the easiest journey though. Definitely filled with lots of thrilling challenges and road blocks.

There was nothing wrong with this decision, but because I wasn’t blogging about yoga, I felt like a part of me had died. I kept telling myself that it was just an adjustment, but I realize now it was a sign to go back. Especially because most of my blogs over on my other site started to revolve around yoga. I just didn’t feel like myself.

I know it’s just a website, but I really missed being over here. I really missed Instagram yoga challenges. I really missed my yoga and fitness family in the blogosphere and social media.

When I was practicing yoga for the first time in my new yoga room, a rush of sadness came over me. I might have felt a little anger too. I was mad at myself for letting this all get away from me. 

I could have let the sadness and anger set in, but instead, I turned it around. I realized what a gift this past year has been. If I wouldn’t have gone through this, I might have not realized that this is more than just a website. This is a home and a family. 

I also might have not gained the clarity that I have now

What this means now:

Well, I’ve decided to come home. It was a nice sabbatical, but this is my home, my truth, and where I’ll be blogging.

Gandhi says, When in doubt, do nothing.

So yes, I’ll be keeping both sites. Primarily blogging over here, and at the same time figuring out how my other blog fits in.

When I was going through the heavy confusion, I posted over at my B School group. I told them I was having a multi-passionate crisis, and I didn’t know how to proceed. I got a really great response that I want to share from the community manager over there. I think it can be inspiring to anyone going through a huge transition:

Our answers come from action, not thought. So if you’re feeling like you need more yoga infused into your life and business, go for it! If you know of some things that bring you fulfillment, do those things and the answers will show up.

For me…I’ve been in this place many many times, and I usually get out of it by doing things that are calling to me, whether it was travel, or school, or moving to LA to join a band, or getting in an RV to travel the country, or choosing to move to Costa Rica. Those things have changed my life and led me to my current life and business as is.

To me life is like a trail of breadcrumbs. You just keep following the crumbs and you find the path as you’re going along. If yoga is a breadcrumb that is calling you, follow that and I believe things will become more clear.

The response I’ve gotten since I’ve brought back The Yogi Movement has been amazing. I started sharing my yoga practice, posts, and thoughts over social media, and it was like I never left.

I could keep going on, but I’ll save these topics for some future posts!

It feels good to be home. Thanks for holding the space while I was away. Thanks for listening.

Love,
Monica