{"id":1494,"date":"2013-12-19T22:28:55","date_gmt":"2013-12-20T03:28:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theyogimovement.com\/?p=1494"},"modified":"2016-01-07T01:34:45","modified_gmt":"2016-01-07T06:34:45","slug":"confronting-the-anger-demon","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theyogimovement.com\/confronting-the-anger-demon\/","title":{"rendered":"Guest Post: Confronting The Anger Demon by Kelli Hastings"},"content":{"rendered":"

Guest Post By Kelli Hastings:<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n

I recently decided I wanted to go camping alone in the woods for at least one night. I imagined that my campsite would be secluded and surrounded by forest, with no other campers within eye or earshot, giving me a real chance to deal with whatever shadows arose within me during my alone time. I figured I would have to confront some deep-seated fears that would only dare peak out during my time of seclusion.<\/span><\/p>\n

I was already flustered by the time I arrived at the campsite after a two-hour drive, leaving me about thirty minutes until sunset to get my tent pitched. I was immediately put on edge by the fact that the campground was not what I expected. My tent would not be secluded in the middle of the woods, but would instead be surrounded by other families of campers just a few yards away. They were all sitting around with their already-pitched tents and cozy campfires and I felt like I was in a fishbowl; like all of their eyes were on me, judging me and my tent-pitching capabilities as I tried to set up my site before sunset. I envisioned that they were probably laughing and commenting to each other about whether or not I knew what the hell I was doing. Brain voice was already laughing and commenting at me with judgment as well.<\/span><\/p>\n

I looked at the instructions to my tent (which I had set up in my backyard all by myself without issue a month before). The instructions mocked me, suggesting two adults were necessary to get the main tent pole up. All I could think was, \u201cI don\u2019t want any help! I just want to set this up and vibe out with myself and my alone time. I hope none of these fuckers tries to offer me any help!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"4937794<\/span>  <\/span>
\nAs I tried to raise up the two main tent poles criss-crossed from each other, dirt got into the the bottom of the poles, preventing me from inserting the pin into the bottom of each pole. I laid down the tent and attempted to pry the dirt out with a pen. Nope. A knife? Fail. <\/span><\/p>\n

The voices in my head were relentless. I kept imagining what the other campers were thinking about me and I berated myself for my choice of campground, decision to camp in the first place, for leaving late and losing daylight; for everything.   I decided the only way to get the dirt out of the bottom of the poles would be to bang it out on pavement. <\/span><\/p>\n

I drove up to the paved parking lot at the campground entrance. When I got to the parking lot and banged the first pole on the pavement, the elastic holding the pole together snapped, leaving my tent pole in about eight pieces. Fuck.<\/span><\/p>\n

Again with the voices and judgment. There was no readily-available way to fix it. Should I drive back home at this point? Try to find another tent? How do I always end up in these situations? I\u2019m such an asshole.<\/span><\/p>\n

I decided to drive into \u201ctown\u201d to see if I could buy another tent. The grocery-like store looked promising — it might have camping equipment. Indeed it did, but no tents. I was really anxious and tense as I walked up and down the aisles of the store. The women working there kind of looked at me funny. I had the thought that I should ask for help, but again brain voice shot me down: \u201cI don\u2019t need any help! I don\u2019t want to ask for any help!!\u201d As I walked out the store, a bright-gypsy-eyed, long-haired, older woman looked up at me. I noticed the thought, \u201cI wonder if she is a teacher? Her eyes are so knowing.\u201d Then the thought, \u201cNope, still not going to ask for help.\u201d I observed as I walked out the store that I was clutching my huge purse with my hands in front of me, rather than over my shoulder like normal.<\/span><\/p>\n

When I got out to my car, which was packed to the brim with food and other camping supplies, I realized my hands were shaking with hunger because I had forgotten to eat dinner. I went into the back of my car and grabbed something to eat. As I was getting the food, I put my purse in the back and all my stuff accidentally dumped out of it. I scrambled to get everything back in and get settled back into the front seat of my car to figure out what the hell I was going to do. Find a hotel? Try to buy a tent somewhere else? Drive home? While I was thinking and stuffing my grill, I saw the outline of the long-haired-teacher in my peripheral vision. My mind jumped to the thought, \u201cMaybe she recognizes something great in me and she has come out to teach me?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Then I realized she was reading my license tag and was writing something down. She started to head back inside. Was she writing down my license plate number?? I yelled after her, \u201cExcuse me, ma\u2019am, is there something I can help you with?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe know you were stealin\u2019. I\u2019m calling the police.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Oh shit. Time to fess up my need for help. I suppose I did look pretty shifty walking around, carrying my purse weird, not buying anything. \u201cMa\u2019am, I wasn\u2019t stealing. I need help.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou had something in your purse. We saw you empty it out into the back of your car.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, I wasn’t stealing. I was getting this food out of the back of my car. I need help. I was trying to set up my tent and my tent pole broke.\u201d I showed her the broken pieces. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYeah that is a broken tent pole alright.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll show you the back of my car.\u201d I start fumbling for my keys and I couldn\u2019t find them anywhere. It was like they fucking disappeared. While I looked for the keys I continued, \u201cI was just nervous because my tent broke and I\u2019m from out of town and I\u2019m not sure what I am going to do tonight. You were probably picking up on my nervous energy.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

She was still a little agitated. \u201cYeah all four of us in the store picked up on something.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

I finally found my keys and opened the back for her to look around. I also opened my purse and let her look in there.<\/span><\/p>\n

She softened. \u201cThere is no where to buy a tent around here. But you may be able to stay at Elite Campground up the road. They have cabins you can rent. The owners are up at Salty\u2019s tavern by this time of night, so just go into the bar there and ask around and you will find them. Are you going to be here a few days?\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you very much. Yes, I\u2019ll be here two days.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you come back to the store, leave your purse in the car.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Ok, sounds fair. I left after getting directions. Perhaps not surprisingly, I completely misunderstood how to get to Salty\u2019s and ended up driving around whispering to myself about how suspicious everyone in this small town must be and again fell into a steady stream of self-deprecating thoughts related to the predicament I found myself in.  <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCrucify\u201d by Tori Amos came on the radio. I noticed it was about the fourth time in two days that I had heard that song.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why do we <\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Crucify ourselves<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Every day<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I crucify myself<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Nothing I do is good enough for you<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Crucify myself<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

Every day<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

And my heart is sick of being in chains<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I gotta have my suffering<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

So that I can have my cross<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

I know a cat named Easter<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

He says will you ever learn<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

You’re just an empty cage girl<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n

If you kill the bird.<\/span> <\/strong><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I finally found Salty\u2019s by accidently driving right into the Elite campground and right up to the gatekeeper. I was very nervous when she directed me to roll down my window. \u201cI\u2019m trying to find Salty\u2019s\u2026\u201d I started. I could hear Karaoke coming from a bar in a strip mall a hundred yards behind the gate.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSalty\u2019s is right there,\u201d she said pointing in the direction of the Karaoke. <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cActually, I need a place to stay. I broke my tent pole, so I couldn\u2019t put my tent together, so I tried to find another tent, and the lady at the grocery store said maybe you had a cabin available here I could rent?\u201d I was nervous and the words were rapidly spilling out of my mouth; still not sure if she was friend or foe.<\/span><\/p>\n

She said, \u201cI used to have a car like this,\u201d as she gazed at my Mini Cooper. \u201cIt was a red convertible. I drove it many years ago when I was young.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Yay, she\u2019s nice!<\/span><\/p>\n

She said, \u201cYou don\u2019t want to stay here. Its too expensive. You have to put a deposit of $100 per night down and pay $100 for the cabin per night. Why don\u2019t you just go up to the store right there and buy some duct tape and fix your tent pole?\u201d She pointed to the Dollar General on the other side of the strip mall.<\/span><\/p>\n

Brilliant! Duct tape!  \u201cYes, that\u2019s great. Thank you so much!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd come back later for some Karaoke at Salty\u2019s once you get your tent all set up!\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

So long story short, I got my tent set up in the dark by myself using the miracle of duct tape. And I am shortening the story, because by the time the ordeal was over, I was way too tired for Karaoke.<\/span><\/p>\n

As I laid down to go to sleep that night, I could hear the other campers all around me. I laughed at how not-like-I-imagined camping was turning out to be. I wasn\u2019t alone at all. I was practically in wide-open public. And maybe if I had asked for help from the start I wouldn’t have gone through the whole predicament. But what is the fun in that? <\/span><\/p>\n

Obviously I also need to learn something. Maybe the gypsy-eyed-lady was a teacher after all. And what is with the constant judgment of myself? Even Tory Amos was trying to tell me something. I let my emotions rise up within me and pass. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"Love<\/span><\/p>\n

The next day I went to make a fire before the sun came up. I couldn\u2019t see what I was doing and all of a sudden my feet were burning all over. Ants! Shit there must have been a 100 bites.<\/span><\/p>\n

I actually got myself still for a minute, sat with hands in jnana mudra, and tried to connect with the ants that had just bitten me: What was the great ant spirit trying to teach me? Then I looked down and saw that I had dropped my fire wood right on top of their giant ant mound. <\/span><\/p>\n

Brain voice replied, \u201cthe great ant spirit wants your shit out of our house!\u201d Ahem, yes, maybe moving the firewood will help. <\/span><\/p>\n

The ant bites seemed to fuel my anger. I felt like I was barfing up old angry vibes for the next several days after coming home from camping. It came in nauseous waves. I really stirred up some fire over some old situations in my life. I realized I still had a lot of buried anger that needed out. Kind of like a demon, lurking in the deep recesses of my heart. In my expereience, my demons of un-dealt emotions can\u2019t be pushed down or forced out. It’s more like I have to sit down with them, invite them to talk to me and listen to what they are there to teach me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Gandhi said:<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

The only devils in this world are those running around in our own hearts, and that is where all our battles should be fought.”<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

And the Buddhist monk Thick Nhat Hanh explains anger this way:<\/span><\/p>\n

\n

Anger is like a howling baby, suffering and crying. The baby needs his mother to embrace him. You are the mother for your baby, your anger. The moment you begin to practice breathing mindfully in and out, you have the energy of a mother, to cradle and embrace the baby. Just embracing your anger, just breathing in and breathing out, that is good enough. The baby will feel relief right away.”<\/span><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

In my last blog<\/a> <\/span>I suggested a life of always living in the present moment; of realizing the miracle of life all of the time. Living that way could be called practicing \u201cmindfulness\u201d for Buddhists or jnana yoga (the yoga of the mind) for yogis. It is a constant state of alertness where one\u2019s attention is not constantly being pulled away by unnecessary thoughts. A friend of mine pointed out that \u201cmindfulness can be exhausting.\u201d She is right. It is hard to stay focused on the beauty of the present moment, when the mind constantly wants to wander. My mind mainly wanders to thoughts of self-judgment. <\/span><\/p>\n

\"Z  <\/strong><\/strong><\/span>
\nThe practice of devotion (or bhakti yoga) is the path toward mindfulness or yoga that might be less exhausting. Its the way of the poet Rumi, of Jesus, and the great devotional yogis like Vivekananda, Amma, and Maharaji. Maharaji\u2019s disciple, Krishna Das, tells a story of Maharaji\u2019s teaching him to \u201cmeditate like Christ\u201d by \u201closing yourself in love.\u201d<\/a> He is describing a state of being where it is easy to be mindful because the mind is wrapped with attention in a state of divine devotion; non-loving thoughts have no room to exist in such a state. This is the bhakti path. Vivekananda describes it this way, \u201cThe Bhakta has not to suppress any single one of his emotions, he only strives to intensify them and direct them to God.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

So when an unwanted emotion arises, rather than suppress it, invite it in, feel it, intensify it, and then redirect it toward the Divine.<\/span><\/p>\n

The yoga sutras tell us that bliss can be obtained through this devotional path, the bhakti path. (Sutra II-45). The sutras also advise that by practicing deep meditation on our hearts, full knowledge of the mind (citta) is obtained. (Sutra III-35). <\/span><\/p>\n

So through the practice of devotion, the great teachers tell us that mindfulness can be obtained in a sort of back-door way. We can learn to understand the mind by going through the heart; by dealing with whatever lurks there – whether it is naughty or nice. We don\u2019t have to try to quiet our ADD minds. We can focus on our hearts and allow mindfulness to develop naturally.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Often I find that I suppress my negative emotions, especially anger, because I see them as \u201cbad.\u201d But even Amma, the great spiritual teacher I met (and hugged!) in India<\/a>, used her anger as a bhakti practice to find God. Her followers described Amma\u2019s journey as follows:<\/span><\/p>\n

She was feeling unbearable grief because She hadn’t yet seen God, She turned against the whole world. She felt angry at Nature. She would say, \u2018I don\u2019t like you at all, Mother Nature, because you make us do things that are wrong!\u2019 She would spit at Mother Nature and shout at her using whatever words came to Her mouth. It became a form of madness.<\/span><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So in Amma\u2019s own path, she felt anger which she intensified and turned to God, rather than turning it inward (self-deprecation) or outward (blaming others for one\u2019s life situation). After my camping trip, my anger demons were triggered. They didn\u2019t want to be suppressed anymore. I struggled with the urge to project the anger outward, toward friends and loved ones who had \u201cwronged\u201d me in some way. I also struggled with the urge to \u201ccrucify myself\u201d and project the anger inward at all my self-perceived flaws and incapacities. I resisted, and instead, I got really mad at the Divine Mother. <\/span><\/p>\n

Why do you insist on putting me in these situations with these assholes that make me angry? Why do you have to make me so scatter-brained and crazy?? Why do I seem to live the same fucking stories over and over again, no matter how I struggle and try to change them? Why I am surrounded by assholes? Why am I such an asshole?? The anger inside me welled up and was released in a several fits of tears over several days.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Imamess\"
\nAfter my anger release, I climbed a tree in a park in the middle of downtown Orlando in broad daylight. As the voice started to judge me and project onto the nearby park-goers thoughts of disdain toward the tree-hugger,I felt love. And the voice quieted naturally, on its own, without much effort from me. I thought, I am doing nothing wrong; I am just hear relaxing on this tree. What do I have to hide? What could the people possibly think about me that would be so bad? What does it matter what they think about me as long as I am peaceful and happy? <\/span><\/p>\n

Then it hit me: it was not out my fear of being alone I needed to confront through my camping trip. It was my fear of being out in the open; of being truly myself in front of others. My tree-hugging-crazy-yoga-jedi-intensely-passionate Self. Exposed.That is why my camping trip ended up being out in the open out rather than in seclusion. First I had to release my emotional demons, which were keeping me from feeling the love and were keeping my thoughts inclined toward self-judgment. Then the lesson was learned on its own, almost effortless.<\/span><\/p>\n

At that moment I noticed a jogger from my perch. I looked at him and smiled. He smiled back and said, \u201cyou look comfortable.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThank you!\u201d I hollered back with childlike fervor. I am feeling comfortable, more and more. <\/span><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

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It is easy to be mindful because the mind is wrapped with attention in a state of divine devotion; non-loving thoughts have no room to exist in such a state.","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/theyogimovement.com\/confronting-the-anger-demon\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Fighting Anger Through Bhakti Yoga","og_description":"The practice of Bhakti yoga is the path of love and devotion. 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